Crystal Stars Z Abridged
by OfficialBacon
Summary: Ever wonder what Dragonball Z Abridged would look like in the Mario universe? Read on and find out.
1. Chapter 1

**Ok, so since I obviously am having a bit of trouble holding up my end of the deal on Crystal Stars, I took it upon myself to add this little gem to the collection. To begin with, I do not own Dragon Ball Z, Dragonball, Team FourStar Mario, Nintendo, or anything affiliated with this story. Have fun, and I'll see you in the next one.**

Such a peaceful day in the Mushroom Kingdom. Birds sung in the sky, animals played in the meadows, no harm to be found anywhere.

Right up until a gigantic explosion erupted in the middle of Farmer T.'s property. "OH MIYAMOTO NO! MY FIRE FLOWER PATCH!" He silenced himself quickly. "Uh, I mean my, uh...Mushroom patch. Yeah."

A few minutes later he came driving up to the site of the mishap in an old, beaten up truck, thinking silently to himself. _"I'd better do what any sensible Mushroom Kingdom citizen would do. Get my gun!"_ He grabbed a small shotgun out from behind his seat and leapt from the vehicle, sauntering up to the crater of the impact. As he looked down into the pit a strange light spilled from within it as a ball in the center of the crater opened, emitting a robotic voice.

"Hello, and welcome to Earth. With open bar." A tall, long haired creature stood up from within the ball, eliciting a few exclamations from the farmer.

"Holy crap, it's Sonic the Hedgeho...Uh, no. It's an alien. Holy $#!% it's an alien!" As the creature lifted from the pit and landed on its edge, he began to speak.

"Finally on this dead plan...Wait, what the crap?" He had just begun to notice the beautiful life spreading everywhere around him. "Did Jumpman screw this up? Oh, Yoshi damn it, I knew we should have sent Pac-man." Meanwhile, the farmer kept mumbling to himself for reassurance.

"Better think of something cool to say to make him stop." The Toad cocked his shotgun, aiming it straight at the mysterious stranger. "HEY YOU!" He grinned to himself. _"Genius, farmer. Genius." _The alien grinned in amusement.

"Aw, look at him. He thinks he's people. What's your power level, little Toad?" He tapped the red goggles he wore over his eyes, watching as the numbers crunched, coming to a quick conclusion. "Five, huh?" He began to advance on the smaller being.

"Gah! Protect me, gun!" The Toad pulled the trigger on his shotgun, launching the bullet directly into the alien's hand.

"Hey, no! Bad Toad!" He flicked the bullet straight back, sending it through the Toad's head, smashing him into the truck. "Bad. Now get back up and tell me you're sorry." He waited a few seconds for the Taod to get up before speaking again. "Toad? To-oad?" He sighed. "So this is why Dad said I couldn't keep Lemmy.

Meanwhile, Yoshi sat alone on the middle of a gigantic rock, staring out at the dust covered landscape. "Good ol' wasteland. Yep, sure is some kickass training." A few seconds of silence. "Dammit I'm lonely. Might as well check MySpace." He flicked open a computer. "No new comments...no new friend requests...dammit. Well, at least I have you, Tom." He glanced at a blank screen on which the outline of a Boo could be faintly seen. "You're always there for me."

"Hey you!" Yoshi spun around, looking into the sky behind him.

"What the hell?

"Hey, are you Jumpman? Seriously, if you are, stay still. I need to talk to you about killing and selling this planet. It's really important!" The tall being landed just across from yoshi, grinning smugly. "Oh, wait a second. You're not Jumpman. My bad." Yoshi sighed.

"I've got green skin, a tail, and a discolored hump on my back that I'm not quite sure what it does. Oh yeah, I must look like SO many other people." The alien raised an eyebrow.

"Oh, a smartass, huh? I don't appreciate smartasses. Prepare yourself for my signature attack: Green Thun-"

**Hey, what?**

_**Gimme the mic!**_

** What? No, man!**

_**Gimme the mic!**_

__**But that's the real attack name!**

_**No it isn't!**_

__**Know what, here. Fine. Take it. I'll just go practice my Bowser. Ass.**

"Now prepare yourself for my signature attack. Keep your eye on the bird- Oh, a higher power level." The alien leapt into the air, looking around as Yoshi yelled up at him.

"Hey, what the hell? Weren't you going to kill me?" The alien ignored him.

"Ah, there we go. Considering the average set by this one green guy and that Toad, the chances of this being Jumpman are...aw, screw it, I'll just go and check." He rushed off toward the west, leaving Yoshi alone once again.

"Fine, go ahead. I didn't want your company anyway. Right Tom?"

Meanwhile, back on Kame Island, a helicopter lowered itself onto the ground outside the only standing structure on the island. It's occupant stepped out and strolled over in front of the doorway.

"Hey, I'm here!" The two occupants inside perked right up, the one in the back especially.

"Dayum-I mean, Daisy. Hi." She walked inside slowly.

"Oooooookay...How's it going?" Toadsworth held up his glass.

"I'm drinking OJ." The glass dinged as it's contents changed color. "Now it's apple juice." Ding. "Now it's beer. Yay, beer!" He tipped the glass up, taking a huge gulp. Luigi walked up to Daisy, balancing a box on his finger.

"So, where's Waluigi?" Daisy gripped her jacket angrily.

"I think the bastard's cheating on me!" Luigi raised an eyebrow.

"Why do you say that?" **(Flashback time!)**

_Waluigi popped up out of the bed, gasping for breath. "Daisy! It's not what it looks like-oh, ok, it's totally what it looks like. Can I still live here? Please? Before this I was living in the desert. Oh, and have you changed Bombette's litter box yet?" The little bomb popped out from under the covers._

_ "I make boom boom!"_

"Oh, are you serious? Waluigi? Oh that is so out of chara-so you're single, then." Just outside, there was a slight whistle and a familiar man wearing a cap jumped out of a flying boat.

"Hey, guys!" They all rushed out to meet him, grinning eagerly.

"Mario!"

"Mammaries...wait, what?"** (Doing my best here, people.)** They all took the time to notice the fact that the young warrior was in fact carrying a toddler, and Daisy was the first to point it out, as we've come to expect.

"Um, Mario, I can't help but notice that five-year-old you're carrying." Luigi raised one eyebrow.

"Mario, just because we picked you up in the middle of the woods when you were little doesn't mean you can go around stealing children." Mario set the boy down and turned to his friends again.

"Oookay...This is actually my son." Their eyes all bulged, and suddenly a voice rang in out of nowhere from Direc T., a famous Toad director who suddenly disappeared through the power of terrible early episode writing.

Daisy sidled up to him. "Oh, wow. So I guess this means you finally...you know..." He looked thoroughly confused.

"Know what?" Toadsworth rushed up to him.

"You know...bow-chicka-wow-wow."

"What are those noises you're making?" The same thought came to all of them at the same time.

_"Oh, dear Miyamoto, he's a parent."_ Luigi took it upon himself to break the awkward silence.

"So when's the little guy gonna start training?" The little marshmallow of a child strolled up to the ocean's edge, jumping back in mild fear every time a wave hit.

"Actually, Peach is making him study. She wants him to grow up and be...what's it called?"

"A productive and responsible member of society?"

"Yeah, lame. That's it. Hey, son! Come here! Stop playing with that Shellcrawler. We don't need people saying things." Daisy leaned down to the boy's level.

"Hey, is that a Crystal Star on his head? Doesn't that kind of make him a target for villains who might want them?"

"Aw, come on. I beat Yoshi. I'm strong enough to beat anyone who HOLY GREEN ON A MIMI, WHAT IS THAT!?" Toadsworth leaned in.

"What's wrong?"

"I just felt a power level bigger than...Luigi's losing streak!"

"You know, you guys are the reason I go to therapy."

_ "He's getting...closer..."_ Luigi piped back up.

"Shouldn't we grab Mallow and put him insi..." Too late. A tall, dark haired being landed mere yards in front of them, causing Mario to drop into a defensive stance. "Oh, son of a..."

"It took me a while to get here, but I finally found you, Jumpman." In classic Mario style, our hero replied.

"What?"

"That's right. That's your name."

"What?" The taller being stuck out one hand, pointing straight at Mario.

"The name you were given before we sent you to this planet."

"What?" This left a bit of a gap in the speech before the alien put all the pieces together.

"You hit your head as a child, didn't you?" A brief flashback of a shocking headache followed by a warm smile from Grandpa Mallow.

"What?" The alien's face grew in annoyance.

"Oh for Miyamoto's sake, listen. You were sent here as a child to take over the planet. You are part of an intergalactic race of superwarriors known as the Sprites. **(It's a gaming reference that you probably get, but I'm telling you anyway so it doesn't sound overly girly.)** And to top off this expositional onslaught, I...AM YOUR BROTHER!" Everyone's face erupted in shock, enough so that even a nearby crab fell off of the tree it had been climbing.

Luigi strolled up to the taller alien, grinning now. "So you're his brother, huh? That must mean you'll be involved in a lot of future events, right? Right?" There was a pause, and then the alien's hand swung forward, smashing Luigi into the corner of the house.** Luigi owned count: 1. It begins. **"What did I say?"

Mario pointed accusingly at the alien. "Hey, stop hitting Luigi!"

"Why?"

"Because you're breaking Yoshe house!" From inside the hole in the building, Luigi piped up again.

"Yeah, stop breaking Yoshe house." Mario leaned forward, ready to fight if need be.

"So, what are you here for? The Crystal Stars?" The alien blinked in confusion.

"The...The Crystal whats?"

"The Crystal Stars. You know, there are seven of them, they grant you any wish you want. Like immortality." From inside the house, Larry Koopa muttered to himself.

"Or Daisy's panties." Far out in space, two Sprites sat across from one another, one initiating an exited conversation.

"Bowser, did you hear that?"

"Oh yeah, we're totally going to Earth to get our wish."

"Yeah, we're gonna get panties! I mean immortality. Immortality's what I meant, right Bowser?" The leader of the two leaned on his transport ship.

"Just get in the damn pod." Back on Earth, the alien had walked straight through the small crowd dramatically, speaking as he went.

"No, I'm here for you, Jumpman."

"So, what are we gonna do? Play some Golf? Throw a Party?" The alien grinned maniacally.

"We're going to kill everyone on the planet and then sell it to an alien overlord who may or may not have destroyed our own planet."

"Oh...well, uh, I sort of like people here, so with all due respect-" Suddenly he had a knee buried in his stomach and he was floored.

"Daddy!" Mallow rushed to his father's aid, but before he could get there, the alien grabbed ahold of his head.

"I'll be taking this. Yoink!" He leapt into the air unobstructed.

"Quick, somebody stop him!" When nobody even tried moving, crickets began chirping to fill the silence. "Dammit Luigi!"

"Hey, I was bitch-slapped through a house, what's your excuse?"

"I was kneed in the stomach!"

"You guys are pathetic." Everyone glanced up at the shock of hearing the voice of Yoshi. "What?" He lowered to the ground beside them, eliciting a response from Mario.

"Aw, jeez. Hey look, I know you totally wanna kill me and all, but today's kind of a bad day. My brother just showed up, turns out I'm an alien, he stole my kid..."

"Oh, yeah. I was watching that. That was priceless!" He burst out laughing for a few seconds before calming down. "Ah, sorry for your loss."

"Yeah, anyway. Wanna help me get him back?"

"Whyyyyyyy?"

"I'll friend you on MySpace." Mere seconds later, the pair was soaring through the air, Yoshi thinking to himself triumphantly.

_"Tom, you've been replaced."_

In an alternate universe, Toadsworth was still at it. Ding! "Now its a Nestle Crunch Bar." Ding! "Now its a gummy bear." Ding! "Now its Wario!"

"Wait, what the hell?"


	2. Chapter 2

Mario and Yoshi soared through the sky at blinding speeds, but despite the seriousness of their mission, Mario still had a question for his newfound companion. "Hey, Yoshi? Mind if I ask you something?"

"What is it?"

"You're not human either, right?"

"Yeah..."

"And your dad layed you as an egg, right?"

"What about it?" Mario hesitated for a second.

"Are...are you a Namekian?" Yoshi growled angrily before replying.

"Yes, Mario. I'm a green #$%ing alien." Mario paused again.

"Do...Do I have to ride you?" Yoshi silenced himself, just taking a moment to growl again. Meanwhile, Mallow was in the middle of another crying fit.

"Shut up." Still crying. "I said shut up!" Still bawling. "SHUT UP!" Not a single stop. "Dammit, why isn't screaming angrily making you cry less?" The alien lifted his nephew by the head, tossing him into the nearby pit. "Uncle's gonna put you in the time out pod." Mallow began tapping the glass sadly as his evil uncle climbed back out of the hole. "Thank sweet merciful Miyamoto that's over. Now I can just sit back and..." His ocular device began beeping wildly. "Beat the crap out of whoever's coming. Great." He looked up, somewhat surprised to see his opponents.

"Weegee, give me back my son!" He flipped out of the Star Boat, squealing with delight and landing alongside Yoshi. Weegee chuckled.

"So, you're here already. And I see you brought the Yoshi with you." Mario took a second to correct his brother.

"Um, actually, I don't think that's been explained yet."

"Oh. Well, it's not like anyone cares about him anyway." Yoshi tore off his cloak, tossing it behind him and savoring the solid thud it put onto the ground.

"Well, screw you too!" As he removed his hat, Mario looked over at him.

"Yoshi, you use weighted training clothes as well?" He tossed the hat away, clearly annoyed by his rival.

"No, Mario. I just love to get naked when I'm around you." Weegee was watching through his device as their powers began to grow, working out how it was possible.

"So, nudity makes you stronger on this planet!" He unzipped his overalls, allowing a few seconds for the expected strength to seep in.

"Uh, no. We're wearing weighted clothing." He zipped back up immediately, clearly flustered.

"Of course! Because that would be ridiculous, ahahahaha!" Yoshi couldn't help himself with the perfect insult.

"So, that mustache does compensate for something." Weegee's face contorted in anger.

"SHUT UP!" He leapt forward, smashing an elbow into both of them angrily. They leapt across the field under the force, barely sticking a landing. Yoshi blinked for a second before speaking.

"Okay, what the hell was that?" Mario stood back up, turning around again.

"I don't know, but let's try it again. From behind!" He swung around Weegee, giving him ample time to swing both legs up and plow two feet firmly into the chins of his opponents.

"Really shouldn't be announcing our attack strategy!" They both landed in a tensed position.

"Rush him!"

"DAMMIT, MARIO!" They leapt at him as he lifted into the air, only giving Yoshi enough time for a suggestion. "Can you at least try to dodge this one?"

"Dodge what oneOHGEEZ!" They both leapt to the side to avoid the huge energy blasts produced from Weegee's hands. As the blast intended for Mario struck a nearby mountain, he laughed to himself. "Ha! You missed me!" Suddenly Weegee was behind him.

"My bad." He swung a leg into Mario's back, launching him across the field. As he pushed up off the ground, Mario thought to himself.

_"Note to self. Less talky, more fighty."_ He got up on all fours. "Hey, Yoshi, we may be taking a beating, but at least we managed to dodge that one. High fieeeeeeiiieeiieeeei..." He had just noticed that Yoshi was indeed missing an arm. "Uh, handsha...Thumbs u...G-Good job." Weegee burst into a fit of laughter at this new spectacle.

"Oh, has anyone seen my arm? You can't miss it, it's green!" As he continued laughing, Yoshi spoke up again.

"Yeah, look. I've got one more attack that should do it. Upside is, I can use it with one arm." Mario looked a bit more cheerful, but that didn't stop him from asking the obvious question.

"What's the downside?"

"You'll have to distract him while I charge it."

"Well that doesn't sound too ba-"

"For five minutes. And seeing as he beat us to a pulp in under one...ah, never mind, I'm sure you can handle it." Mario looked a bit gratified.

"Wow. You really have that much faith in me?"

"Yeah. Sure, why not." Mario nodded.

"Well, then I won't disappoint you. Here goes nothing!" He leapt forward toward his brother. "Ready or not, here I-" He proceeded to erupt into screams of pain, which gave Yoshi a bit of comfort as he began to focus his energy.

_"Do do, dododo, munumunut. Do do dodo, munumunut. Do do dododo, dododo, dododo, dododo I'ma charging my attack."_ As he finished this little melody, Mario caught a stroke of luck in grabbing Weegee by the tail.

"Ha! Got your tail!" His brother sounded a bit pathetic in his plea.

"Pleeeease let me go?" Mario began to release the appendage.

"Well, since you asked nicely..." As his hands fell, a booted foot smashed into his jaw, sending him flying once again. Back on the safe end of the field, Yoshi's fingers had begun lighting up with power.

_"Perhaps on second thought a whole five minute startup time for an attack is pretty abysmal in terms of usability in battle."_ Mario had once again succeeded in grabbing Weegee's tail, and seemed a bit more determined this time.

"Got your tail! Again!"

"Pleeeease let go?" Mario shook his head.

"I am not falling for that again."

"Pretty please?"

"Welllll..." With the loosened grip, Weegee spun around and elbowed Mario in the face, throwing him straight down onto his back. "Ow! Spine!" He then proceeded to slam a foot down onto his brother's chest. "Ow! Ribs! Definitely ribs!" Raditz chuckled as his tail wrapped around his body again.

"Aha. Attacking an opponent roughly four times your strength in a one on one battle. A cunning strategy! No, no no, not cunning. What's the opposite of that?" Yoshi chimed in helpfully.

"Retarded?"

"That's it, thank you! Now, disregarding the Yoshi-" Mario piped up from under his opponent's foot.

"Ah ah, Namekian." Yoshi yelled back in anger.

"I'm not a Miyamoto-damned Namekian!"

"But you said you were!"

"It's called sarcasm!"

"What's that taste like?"

"DAMMIT MARIO!" Weegee smashed his foot down on top of Mario again.

"STOP IGNORING ME!" Mario groaned in pain.

"Agh, my ribs! I think you broke my...mmmm, ribs." Weegee continued to stomp his brother angrily, speaking between each stomp.

"Stop...ignoring...me...and...die! Huh?" He looked back over his shoulder as his device began to beep again.

"STOP BEATING UP MY DADDY!" Mallow leapt through the roof of the pod, causing it to erupt and charging at Weegee, who could only think one thing.

"No, my spacebalAGGH!" Mallow headbutted him straight in the chest, cracking his armor. "My space armor!" Yoshi kept them coming.

"We get it, you're from space." Weegee stumbled back in pain as Mallow fell to the ground beside his dad.

"M-Mallow? W-What...was that?" Mallow rose to his knees, crawling toward his dad.

"Daddy!"

"No, seriously, what the hell was that? I mean, we were getting slaughtered out there and you could do th...oh, crap." Weegee had reapproached the young pair angrily and was now brandishing a fist.

"UNCLE WEEGEE IS PISSED!"

** The guys at TeamFourStar do not condone child violence. They do, however, find it hilarious.**

Weegee smacked the youth off to the side, walking after him in annoyance as Mario tried to follow.

"Wait, hold on!"

"Oh, what? Mr. Shattered Ribs is going to stop me?"

"Wait, listen! You don't understand! Nothing you could do could ever compare to what Peach would do to me if she found out he died!" Weegee raised a hand, charging it with power.

"Well, sucks to be you." A ball of energy formed in his hand as Mario thought to himself.

_"I don't have any choice. I have to use my last technique!"_

"NOW DIE!" Suddenly Mario leapt up behind his brother, grabbing him under the shoulders and wrapping his hands around his neck.

"Full Nelson!" Weegee glanced around in frustration.

"A full nelson? That won't work on me! I'ma Weegee, number one!" **(Had to be done.)** He shifted around, but found himself incapable of moving. "Ok, let go." He continued shifting, but Mario wasn't budging. "Ok, seriously, this is starting to piss me off!" Mario called out from behind his brother.

"Yoshi!"

"Ready!"

"Good! Just make sure you give me a signal before you fire that thing! I'm right behind him!" The Yoshi grinned evilly.

"Oh, sure. I'll give you a signal. It'll be the last signal you'll ever get!" He laughed maniacally, but Mario didn't really mind, considering his position.

"Well, okay. As long as we're clear on that." Yoshi raised his hand in the air, announcing the name of the attack as was customary.

"MAKASKA...MASAKAKAS...MEKASABAKA...Oh, to hell with it! SPECIAL BEAM CANNON!" A beam of light shot from between his fingers, arcing toward the pair across the field. From behind his brother, Mario asked a simple question.

"Is that what you're gonna yell out when yoOH MIYAMOTO!" The beam had completely pierced both of them, blasting through them and toward a nearby mountain where a Whacka had been happily singing the theme for a popular medicine before screaming in pain and fear as the mountain exploded underneath him.

Weegee and Mario fell to the ground together, Yoshi now towering over them both. Weegee reminisced on the battle, angry mainly at himself. "Dammit...and there was no way I could have gotten out of that..." Yoshi took it upon himself to point out the angrily obvious yet again.

"You know, you could have flown."

"DAMN YOU HINDSIGHT bleh." Weegee's face faded as he died. Just as he bit it, a helicopter flew overhead with Luigi's voice echoing from it.

"Mario, after several hours of debate, we decided you might need our..." He had finally gotten a good look at the battlefield. "Aw, crap."

They landed quickly, Luigi rushing over to Mario and gripping his hand. "Mario, you can't die. Here, I brought a 1-Up Mushroom!" Mario simply lay still as he spoke.

"I...don't think that's gonna work."

"Why not?"

"I sort of have a hole in my esophagus."

"Wait, then how are you breathing?" Mario's eyes began to droop, and he let out his last breath. "Mario? Mario?" The hero's head fell, and the realization hit his best friend. "Holy crap...I'm not the first person to die in this series!" Toadsworth glared down on Luigi disapprovingly.

"Luigi!"

"What?"

"Too soon." Daisy stood off to the side holding the young Mallow in her arms.

"I can't believe he's gone." Yoshi sighed briefly.

"Yeah, pity that. RHAAAAAH!" An arm shot from the stump he had had a mere second ago, one of his unique abilities. Luigi's eyes bulged.

"Wait, what the hell? You can regenerate?"

"Yeah, and you know what else?" Luigi stopped cold, a bit of fear on his face now.

"What?" Suddenly Mallow appeared in his arms.

"I'm taking Mallow bye!" He launched into the air unobstructed.

"Quick, somebody stop him!" Crickets started up again under the lack of action. "Dammit, Toadsworth."

"Shut up, Luigi." **Luigi owned count: 2**

A bit back in time, Mario had a different strategy. As Weegee's foot lay on his chest, he called out. "Mallow, do a headbutt!"

Mallow used Headbutt! It's super effective!


	3. Chapter 3

The fighters stood around the field, each of them silent. The first to speak was Toadsworth. "Well, Mario has passed. But his sacrifice has stopped a great evil." Luigi stooped down to pick up Mallow's hat. "Thanks to him, our lives can return to peace once-"

"Weegee?" The voice seemed to be coming from the alien's eyewear. "Weeeeegee?"

"What the hell is that?" The group approached him curiously.

"Guywho'sasstrongasaPiranhaBeansayswhat?" Silence. "That usually gets to him. I think he's dead, Bowser."

"Big shocker!" A new voice now. "Nobody cares. We're ten times stronger than him anyway. We'll go to Earth, find the Crystal Stars, and kill everyone, and we'll be there within a year or so. Depending on filler, of course."

"Anything else we need to go over, Bowser?"

"No, that's about it." Silence once again, before Toadsworth spoke the obvious.

"Well. Fu-"

Meanwhile, miles away in one of Yoshi's wastelands, Yoshi had landed alongside Mallow and was already getting started with him. "Alright, you little cloud...marshmallow...frog...human...Sprite...

thing. I saw what you did to that Sprite back there. That kind of power can be useful." Mallow looked up at him from the pool of water he was sitting in.

"W-What do you mean?"

"I'm going to make you my pupil. And then I'll use YOU for my conquest to take over the world!"

"B-But where's my daddy?"

"Hate to tell you, kid, but your dad's dead! Actually I kind of like saying that. Haha, your dad's dead!" Mallow rushed away, crying furiously. "Dammit. This is why I hang out in wastelands."

In another dimension, there was currently a gigantic traffic jam in front of a large building. An announcer spoke through a bullhorn on the side of the path. "Hello, and welcome to the Overthere Check-in Station. Please, no cutting in line. If you are caught cutting in line, you will be sent straight to the Underwhere." Inside the building, Mario and the Elder stood before a huge being.

"And so, we need Mario here to get to King Lubba's for his masterful training, King Grambi." The huge master of the Overthere gestured to them with his pencil.

"Give me one good reason I should allow this."

"Because if you don't, that line is going to increase by SIX BILLION!" Grambi stroked his beard.

"Six billion? I'm supposed to be intimidated by six billion? Please. I can judge six billion souls faster than you take a piss, old man."

"You know, I am the Guardian of Earth. Could I please get a little more respect here?" Grambi huffed.

"Big deal. I'm the closest thing to a God in this show. Until you get to the Celestials, that is. Then I'll become horribly insignificant. I do have a desk, though. It's made of Chuckleroot. Chuckleroot."

"Uh, anyway...can we please-"

"SILENCE!" Everyone stepped back in fear and awe. "Chuckleroot."

"Um...sir?" Grambi jerked back from his reverie.

"Wha-what? Uh, sure. Whatever. He can go to King Lubba's. But he'll have to run on WIGGLER WAY." **Cue dramatic music.** Mario chimed in for the first time in this conversation.

"Sounds fun."

"Prepare to be surprised." Mario nodded.

"Alright, I'm off." As he rushed past the deity's foot, he stopped. "Oh, by the way, did you see a guy named Weegee come through here? He has a spiky mustache and a tail." Grambi set down his register.

"Oh, yeah. I remember that guy. I put him in my patented Grambi-Lock!"

"And it worked?"

"#^%$ NO! He kicked me in the balls and ran away! Now I don't know where he is." A long way away, the exact location unknown, Weegee stood smugly grinning.

"He didn't keep his eye on the birdie." Mario stared blankly for a second before resuming.

"Huh. Well, bye!" As he rushed away, Grambi called over his shoulder.

"See you next time you die." A pause. "Chuckleroot."

Back at Yoshe House, Toadsworth was a bit curious. "So, Luigi, how did Peach take the news?" Luigi stood before them with a bit of shame on his face, remembering what he'd had to do.

_Back at Mario House, Luigi had sat down at the dinner table, warily bringing up the subject. "So, Luigi. What did you need to talk about?"_

_ "So, Peach. Hypothetically, what would you do if you were told that your husband was dead and your son was kidnapped by his worst enemy?" There was an eerie lack of pause to the answer._

_ "I'd castrate the messenger in his sleep with a rusty carving knife."_

_ "Oh. Well...It's a good thing I'm not telling you that!" He burst into nervous laughter, followed closely by Peach, who finished it by asking a precarious question._

_ "Ah, would you like to spend the night?" He gulped._

_ "Against my better judgement." Later that night, Luigi and Kent C. Koopa lay on the floor, with the huge Koopa snoring in his goofy fashion when suddenly a very sharp metallic sound rang through the house, followed by Peach's voice. Mere moments later, a car sped along the mountain road away from Mario House at speeds not designed for that model._

"Relatively well." Daisy had her own question.

"So, are you going to go gather the other Z Warriors and go train with the Elder?"

"The who Warriors?"

"The Z Warriors." It was at this point that a mysterious optical device akin to Weegee's appeared on Daisy's face out of nowhere. "You, Mario, DK, Waluigi, Diddy, that's what we always call you guys."

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever-"

"LUIGIIIII!" They looked out the front window to see Peach driving up in a hydroplane. Luigi changed his tune rather quickly.

"Well, I'm off to gather the Z Warriors, bye!" And he was gone screaming again.

Back in the wastelands, Yoshi and Mallow had just gotten started understanding each other. "Listen up, runt. Today we're going to start your intense training under me."

"But wait...wouldn't that cause horrible muscle degeneration for somebody my age, crippling me for years to come?" Yoshi took a breath.

"You're a wordy little bastard, aren't you?"

"My mom wants me to become an ortho-"

"NEEEEERD!"

"Wh-What?" Yoshi took advantage of the brief silence.

"Anyway, I figured to unleash your power, I have to put you in immense physical danger. So I'm gonna throw you at that mountain." He glanced toward a rock formation behind Mallow.

"Actually, that looks more like a platEEEEAAAAAAAAAA!" Yoshi had leapt forward and flung the boy at the structure. As he neared it, the new trainer began counting down.

_"Any second now...Here it comes...Aaaaand"_ Splat. _"Eeeuugh..."_ Mallow burst into tears once again as Yoshi started toward him. _"This is gonna be a loooooooong training session."_

Back in the Overthere, Mario stood before the giant stone face of a Wiggler, a Nimbi giving him the introduction. "Alright, Mr. Muscle Man. Here you are at Wiggler Way. Now, you might wanna pack a lunch 'cause it's gonna be a long run. Naw, I'm just joking, you're not gonna be eating nothing." Mario stepped onto the front of the bridge and looked as far as he could down it.

"Wow. That looks like it's gonna take me a while."

"Now be careful. You don't wanna fall off and get a Game Over." The Nimbi grinned. "That's just Endgame humor, but seriously, do not fall off or you will go to the Underwhere."

"Has anyone ever run the whole thing before?"

"Well, there was one lady."

"Who was she?" The Nimbi flipped through an old registry.

"I believe her name was..."

"MRS. MIMI!" Back on the Lookout, The Elder had a few instructions to give.

"Yes, Elder?"

"I just received word that we have a new batch of trainees coming. Make sure you take good care of them." Mimi simply began to laugh. And laugh. And laugh.

Back at the Check In Station, Grambi was still at it. "And not just any Chuckleroot, but Chuckleroot from the Planet of Good Egg, where the trees are 300 feet tall and breathe FIRE! From these trees this desk was forged 2000 years ago, using ancient blood rituals of the Tribe of Darkness! Not only does this make my desk nigh indestructible, but it can bend the fabric of the universe itself! Also, its a very fine material. Very expensive." The Elder blinked.

"Ooooookay..."

"Mahogany.


	4. Chapter 4

**Last time on Crystal Stars Z Abridged, Mario began his journey down Wiggler Way. Wait, is that some kind of innuendo?**

Mario rushed down the huge road, thinking to himself. _"This is going to be the longest, toughest journey I've ever made. I have to receive King Lubba's training and battle the biggest threat to the planet we've ever faced! I have to run as fast as I can. I have to keep running for the sake of the Earth, humanity, and my fam-"_

Comically, he had caught up with a polishing truck and leapt onto it to take a nap. As it cornered on a sharp turn, he shifted, falling off the truck, smacking into the side of the road, and falling straight off Wiggler Way.

He smashed into the ground in the Underwhere a few moments later, and was approached by two large figures. "Oh, who do we have here?"

"A little girly man, yah." Mario stood up, brushing off his back.

"I'm Mario. Who are you?" They spoke from left to right.

"I am Sledge!"

"Und I am Mallet!" Now they chanted in unison.

"Und ve are here to pump-" They clapped once. "YOU UP!" Mario blinked for a moment, then spoke up.

"Ooookay, but I'm-"

"First ve are going to do a hundred skvats!" **(Man, I love writing accents.)**

"Und zen a bunch of push-ups on the hard ground!"

"Und zen a bunch of jumping jacks, OOOOOO!" Sledge grinned a bit questionably. Mario raised an eyebrow.

"That...sounds like...fun? But I'm sort of in a hurry. How do I get out of here?" Mallet pointed at his forehead correctingly.

"Ach, no, zere's no vay out of here unless you manage to beat us in a test of strength and speed."

"Yah! Lots of running und vrestling und sveat!"

"Und grappling each other on the cold ground, yah!" Mario had an idea for the first time in a while.

"Okay...Let's say we went through all that. Then where would you say the exit is?" Sledge pointed across the way to a huge cliff with a tiny gap in the bottom.

"Oh, its right over zere." Mallet piped up.

"Yah, but you have to beat us firs-Ach! He's running away!" Mario was already ten yards ahead, and turned back to talk.

"Hey, before I go, have you seen my brother Weegee? Spiky mustache, tail?" Mallet grimaced.

"Ach, yes. He made a horrible mess of ze blood fountain." Mario looked over to the fountain spurting the thick red liquid.

"Looks fine to me."

"IT USED TO BE VATER!" Mario blinked.

"Wow...Well, I'm going now. And by the way, thanks for the fruit!" He held up a small, round fruit.

"Ach! He has a piece of ze fruit! Ach nein, don't eat ze fruit. Don't eat ze fruit!" As he spoke, Mario chomped into the morsel, devouring it in a mere three bites.

"Bye!" He rushed off, leaving the two speaking to one another.

"Ach, now ve can't make ze salad for King Grambi's barbeque!" Mallet pouted to himself.

"Yah, and Midbus is going to bring something totally kickass und ve vill have nothing!"

"I AM SO MAD!"

"Yah, let us go work off our stress by pounding Hoohoo blocks and older model hammers."

"Yah, and zen ve can go smashing on our worktable." They turned around and walked off together.

"I'll grab ze graphite!"

**Meanwhile, back on Earth...wait, that's got to be some kind of innuendo.**

Mallow shivered on top of a gigantic boulder, looking over the side in terror as a Pokey slithered about in the distance. "I can't believe Yoshi left me up here like this! How am I supposed to get down from here?"

In the distance, Yoshi yelled back an answer in annoyance. "Cliiiiimb doooown!"

"I can't even get any food or water. What should I do?"

"I said cliiiimb doooown!" Mallow took a moment to look around.

"If only I had some sticks or reeds laying around, I could make a makeshift ladder or a rope..."

"EEEEERRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!"

On the Elder's Lookout, Donkey Kong, Diddy Kong, Waluigi, and Luigi were all gathered to train. The Elder stood in his doorway to speak to them. "You have all come here to train on my Lookout, but since I am quite old, I shall leave you in the capable hands of Mrs. Mimi." He walked in past the green lady. "Mrs. Mimi, you know what to do."

"Yes, Elder." She stepped forward as the door closed. "Alright, maggots, listen up. Mimi's about to teach you the pecking order. It goes you, the dirt, the Sworms in the dirt, Mimi's stool, the Elder, then Mimi. Any questions?" Luigi started up.

"Um, yeah...I w-AAAAAHHHHH!" He flew off the edge of the Lookout, leaving Mimi smiling sadistically. **Luigi owned count: 3**

"Enjoy the climb back up, bitch! Now, any more questions?" Silence. "Good. Then we can begin."

**(Not editing this, since...well...you know...Smash Bros Brawl and all that. It's gold as it is.)**

Back on Wiggler Way, Mario was back to running. "Okay, no more diversions. This is really important. No more sidetr-oooh, a house!" He stopped in front of a gigantic mansion on the side of the road. "Ooh, is that a snaAAHH!" The mouth on the mansion's decoration had opened up and sucked him in. He flew through a small pipe and was spat onto the floor of a huge room, groaning in pain.

Meanwhile, a communications call was going on between two members of the household. A ringing on a com, then a voice. "Princess Snake, you have a visitor!"

"Ah, perfect. Now let me assess the situation from here." From within a window, Princess Snake looked across Mario curiously. "Well, he's quite the hunk of manmeat, but what's with the mustache?" She pushed the door open, thinking to herself in that special voice of hers. _"Ah, I just love this fur coat, especially since I killed all the animals for it myself."_ As she approached Mario, his eyes bulged.

"Huh? You don't look like you'd be King Lubba." She blushed as she spoke.

"What, did my magnificent breasts tip you off?" He blinked.

"W-What?"

"Nothing. Are you hungry?"

"YEAH! I could eat anything right now!" She grinned.

"Me too."

"What?"

"Nothing. Take a seat." He did just that, and as he began to eat, she continued to speak. "I killed everything here with my bare hands, including the bear hands. It's a PUN!" Mario continued to stuff his face as he spoke.

"I cabt beleeb bu tuk aw dees dow urself!"

"I'd like to take you down." He finished rapidly.

"What?"

"Nothing. Get in the hot tub." In mere moments, Goku was in the red water of the steaming bath.

"Wow, this water's really nice." As he sat there, a box scooted slowly up to him in reference to another game series. **(Dat 4****th**** wall tho.)**

"Ah, not as nice as your ass."

"Huh?" An exclamation point popped out of his head, and the box scooted back away rapidly. Mario dressed again rapidly and headed out the door. "Well, thanks for the food and stuff, but I've got to get to King Lubba's." Princess Snake rushed in front of him almost angrily.

"No! First you must pass a test of...endurance."

"What's that mean?" She blushed again.

"It means I want you...inside me."

"What do you mean?"

"You'll see."

Seconds later, Mario was flying away as fast as he could from a gigantic snake as it snapped at the air behind him. "Hah!"

"AHHHH! STOP CHASING ME!" The snake breathed out fire, scalding his backside.

"Hah! Huh! Gah! Hrah!"

"STOP GRUNTING! IT'S CREEPY!" They continued to blast over the clouds with a new sound effect.

"Wakkawakkawakkawakkawakka..." The whole thing was reminiscent of an older game series.

Back on Earth, Yoshi was still watching Mallow. "Oh, for Miyamoto's sake! Now he's just standing there looking at the moon like a retarded puppy. I was trying to teach him to fend for himself, but noooooo, he has to be a weak, defenseless little...wait, is he getting bigger?" He hadn't noticed that Mallow had been increasing in size, ripping through his clothes, growing hair rapidly, and sprouting fangs. He stood up, mysteriously holding a barrel over his head as an old-timey battle tune played.

"Okay, that's new! Wait, that tail...his Sprite blood! Does this mean...EVERY ONE OF MALLOW'S RACE CAN BECOME A GIANT GORILLA!" Mallow threw his mouth open, blasting through a whole range of mountains with a single beam from within it. "Dammit, if he destroys everything, what'll be left for me?!" He turned quickly, taking a look at the moon. The moon. The moon. "STOP MOCKING ME!" He blasted a beam from his hand, shattering the moon into nothingness. Mallow immediately shrunk back down, a Crystal Star conveniently censoring his temporary nudity as Yoshi descended upon him. "Ha. Take that, moon. Perfect orbit my ASS!" He looked around. "Hey, where'd the monkey go?" He checked around his feet and saw Mallow laying unconscious. "Well, guess he's back to normal. Eurgh, what is that thing? Well, whatever it is, I don't like looking at it." He reached down and grabbed Mallow's tail. "This either." The tail came out surprisingly easily with a simple pop. "Now. CLOTHES BEAM!" He extended two fingers towards Mallow, and suddenly a full set of clothes, complete with sword, appeared beside him. "That is easily my most metral attack."

**Meanwhile, back on Wiggler Way...**

Mario rushed down the road, grinning to himself. "That was close. I sure am glad I got rid of that Snake lady." A few minutes back, a huge snake was coiled into a knot beside the road, grunting in anger. The com rang in her ear.

"Princess Snake? Princess Snake!? PRINCESS SNAAAAAAKE!" Dramatic music played for a moment before Mario shook from his thoughts.

Back on Earth, Yoshi grinned to himself. "Yep. Once again, wanton destruction has solved all of my problems with no negative repercussions whatsoever."

On Yoshe Island, the rest of the gang was gathered in horror around the TV as a newscaster spoke. "We've got breaking news that the Earth's moon has been destroyed. While the long-term environmental effects can only be guessed at, preliminary speculation puts the death toll from tidal effects alone in the hundreds of millions. We now go to our resident expert on lunar science, Skull Kid. Skull Kid?" The screen flashed briefly to a small boy in complete horror.

"OH DEAR MIYAMOTO!"

"Thanks, Skull! We now return you to Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door featuring Madame Flurrie, already in progress."

**Ok, no longer speaking as the narrator here, thank you SO much to those of you who even bother to read this, but I do have an unfortunate message for you. Due to a ridiculously packed summer, I'm only going to have time to release a single chapter on each of my running stories before going on a two-month hiatus. This...is that chapter. I swear it to you all, I will be back in late August with new chapters, but this is the best I can do for now. Thank you for reading, and I'll see you in the next one.**


End file.
